Giving and Receiving Love

This is the third piece on Taking Refuge in the Three Jewels - I take refuge in the sangha. Or in our way of saying it, I take refuge in those that rest in the awakened mind. The strange thing is, despite being involved with several Buddhist sanghas throughout my life, writing this has been hard. The easy bit is the standard definition. The word sangha means community or assembly. Originally it simply meant the assembly of Buddhist monks and nuns who were in a reciprocal relationship with the Buddhist lay people. The people provided material support for the monastics and the monastics provided spiritual guidance in return. You will have seen images of this - saffron robed monks at dawn walking out amongst the village huts to receive in their begging bowls their food for the day. Later, with the advent of Mahayana Buddhism, the notion of the sangha was enlarged to include all, whether monastic or lay, within the community of practitioners. This was in part because of the recognition that aspiring to the Mahayana ideal of being a bodhisattva was something that anyone could do. And while the notion of the Noble Sangha, (those that rest in the awakened mind), highly realised bodhisattvas able to offer a real refuge continued to exist, as we have already seen, this starts with our own intention to become a member of this assembly however small and wobbly this may be.

So what’s my problem? I think it’s about keeping this all real so that we can make it go deep. A sangha is a group of people and, as we all know, being in a group of people for many of us can be tricky. One minute I’m amongst what seems to be a nice group of people and then something small is said or done and then quite unexpectedly I’m experiencing powerful emotions that take me straight back into being a child in my family. Horrible!

One way of understanding this is through the lens of our ‘attachment styles’. Four descriptions that psychotherapists use to understand how we feel and act towards other people. One describes what is healthy but the other three describe ways it can all go wrong. I’m not sure about the stat but I think in the UK about 55% of the population are considered to be securely attached while the rest of us are on more or less shaky ground. These are the definitions:

Secure Attachment: Feeling comfortable with both intimacy and independence. Able to trust others easily, to talk, manage emotions, and have healthy, lasting relationships based on honesty and emotional closeness. At ease in ourselves whether alone or with others.

Anxious Attachment:  When we crave intimacy and approval but worry about rejection or abandonment. Finding ourselves overly dependent or demanding in relationships, being emotionally needy and very sensitive to relationship dynamics, especially those that can be read as not being wanted.

Avoidant or Ambivalent Attachment: When we avoid closeness and intimacy due to our fear of vulnerability that may come from emotional dependence. This leads to a strong sense of independence, the ability to emotionally distance ourselves, and it being difficult to trust or rely on others.

Disorganised Attachment: This is the most difficult and painful. A confusing mix  of contradictory feelings in relationships, wanting closeness while fearing intimacy. When we have this wound we struggle to trust others and also find our own emotions frequently overwhelming.

So how does this relate to our sangha? Well, quite simply these are the lens that we experience it through. This is particularly true when something happens or is said that especially triggers these wounds. Then we are suddenly feel we are not wanted, don’t belong, don’t like or trust anybody or a whole chaotic mishmash where we have no idea what we really feel except that it is painful and we want to get away. However, these are also the emotions that can become used as our path of practice, the feelings we work with. These are the obscurations to buddha-nature. The clouds that cover our awakened mind. So in this sense our sangha also becomes another doorway into the Dharma, from our sangha we receive the gift of being compelled to enter the teachings. This is perhaps one of the ways that it provides a refuge.

One last thing: In the Chinese Oracle, the I Ching is a hexagram called, ‘Gathering Together’. This reminds us that what really brings a community together is a shared higher vision that requires everyone go beyond their own personal egoistic needs so they may be drawn into its realisation. Surely this describes the vision of sangha experienced as a secure attachment? A safe space where we are accepted for who we are while at the same time encouraged to be the best we can be. Where we can make mistakes and explore options. Where we can both receive and give love.

NW. 19 October 2025

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