This weeks theme for our Wednesday evening sit and ‘book club’ is thinking and I have been thinking about it! The actual theme on Wednesday is a bit narrower. It is the three modes of destructive thinking: rumination, catastrophising and generalisation. On Wednesday I hope we will compare notes on our experience of catching ourselves in these activities but here I want to focus on thinking whilst meditating.
There is a well established myth that thinking is the enemy of meditation and that a ‘good’ meditator does not think. This of course is nonsense because the nature of the mind is to think and, although it is possible through vast and heroic efforts of concentration to block thought for a period of time, this is neither the goal nor even desirable for those involved in the type of meditation we practice. Technically it over emphasises the calm abiding side of the practice at the expense of insight.
So, in the pursuit of insight, I was very carefully observing my mind whilst practicing today. The first thing I noticed was the distinction between being distracted and being present in the moment. This is such a strong difference it is difficult to miss. One moment I am completely caught up in my thoughts about something with absolutely no self-awareness and then quite spontaneously I will find myself back, sitting on my seat, with an awareness of myself and where I am in the here and now. It’s almost as the junction happens with a pop! I’m back.
I also noticed that there are different types or qualities of distraction. One type is particularly deep. Mine seem to be about either something I am obsessing about presently in my life or a memory that is distressing in some way - so writing this now either about someone else or something I have done. These feel drug like in their intensity. I’m completely caught up in them so that it is my total reality, similar to complete immersion in a dream where there is nothing else but the dream. Coming out of one these the junction between it and present moment awareness is particularly abrupt.
Another type of distraction is a much lesser and lighter involvement with my thoughts that may start off with me not being distracted at all but rather just in present moment awareness with some light thoughts playing around the edges of my awareness. However, entirely imperceptibly I slip into identification and am caught up in a thought process that takes me away from the present moment. However it hardly takes me away at all because the thoughts are not that powerful and I come back. The edge between this type of thinking and presence is much less distinct and dramatic.
Another aspect of the meditation is the object of meditation. Remember - the thing we place our attention on - what happens in present moment awareness. So this also has different layers. The first is when we place our attention on something like our breath or other physical sensations. There is a clear distinction between it and the me observing it and because of this, this type of meditation is called dualistic.
However, it is possible while doing this to subtly change the object of meditation, from what we are observing to the attention itself. This actually is no big deal because we can all do this instantly and without any thought. Ask yourself if you are aware. Immediately you will know you are, in that moment you have been aware of being aware. However, in meditation this is a bit more tricky because turning that momentary awareness of awareness into a more sustained experience in which awareness itself becomes the object of awareness requires a very light touch. I look at my awareness, just catch it and then do nothing more. In fact if I try to do anything I just loose it. This is the beginning of a ‘doing nothing’ meditation but it still remains dualistic. Awareness is aware of awareness. There is still a dualistic gap.
Finally there is another step. This is where the gap between the observer and the observed drops away for perhaps initially for no more than a moment or two. If the previous awareness or awareness was difficult to describe than this is far more difficult and I think I am not even going to try because whatever I say will create something in your imagination which will not be it. However, what I can say is that this particular type of non-dual awareness may or may not have thoughts present within it. This is a really strange experience of thought when they are present because - in my experience - thoughts kind of play around the edge but are neither distracting nor have the seductive power to pull me into identification. Well - not until they do! The Buddhist teaching on this is really sublime. It says that this type of non-dual awareness - the Tibetans call it rigpa - is the nature of reality so this means that the thoughts are not something other than awareness, something to get away from or get rid of, but actually an ‘expression’ of awareness itself. And this makes sense - if everything is awareness than how can thoughts be somehow different from it or ‘outside’ it in anyway. Thoughts arise within the vast sky of awareness and dissolve spontaneously back into it. That is - to use another Buddhist term - they ‘self-liberate’.
So there we have it:
distraction of various intensities
calm abiding with an object - for instance the breath.
calm abiding without an object - awareness of awareness
insight - non-dual awareness
NW. 18 September 2023
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